Should I Be A Moment With You?
So, since the last post, I decided I’m gonna try to end it with Ouba, my gf that I don’t love. I had just been waiting to meet her as I don’t like such serious talks to take place on the phone or anything other than in person. Two ways of doing that (ending it) occurred to me. The first, is to tell her that we are very different. That there is a vast gap in understanding between us, like I explained in my last post. The second, is to tell her that I don’t know if I’m ready, or even willing, to get married or committed to anyone at all at this time, or ever. The latter is true by the way.
Now I thought that both of these ways will do the job. I felt that the second would be easier to take than the first. She might be a little hurt if she hears the first one. So I went ahead with my plan and we went out to a nice cozy place.
Before bringing up the intended subject I decided to tell her about my atheism. I have been sending her hints of it but have postponed saying it flat out till we get to know each better. This is how wide the gap is between me and her: She has almost never heard of atheism before! I can’t begin to describe to you how shocked she was hearing about what exactly it is. Her shock was as about the existence of this idea as it was about me subscribing to it. I don’t require my gf to be an atheist, actually I prefer not, but at least know what it’s about and understand where I’m coming from!!!
Anyways, so after talking about atheism and discussing it briefly, I moved on to the subject of me and her. It went on something like this.
MC: Ouba, I brought you here so we can talk about two fairly important topics like I said. That was the first. The second is about me and you.
MC: I’m gonna start by asking you. Do you think this relationship is something that might at some point develop into a marriage?
She struggled a bit with this question as she didn’t know which way I was leaning towards. As she did, I realized that the question is not fair and that she might be cornered, so I interrupted.
MC: Well, it’s not really fair asking you this. Let me answer and then you can comment on what I say.
MC: At this point in my life, I am not looking for a commitment at all. In fact, I am not sure if I will ever get married or not. So this is how I’m going into this relationship. I want us to be clear from the start so neither of us gets hurt.
Ouba: Me neither. I am not looking for a commitment to. Friendship (gf/bf) is better for me now. I’m ok with that.
That was not exactly the scenario I had in mind. She’s ok with it! We’re still together! Now a lot of guys might envy being with a pretty girl that is not looking for a commitment. I don’t know why I’m not feeling that! There is a part of me that feels guilty. What am I doing with her? I don’t love her, and I don’t see it happening in the future. We are very different and it’s taking me a lot of effort each time I try to convey my ideas to her. They don’t click in her head like they do with others. I need your thoughts please…