My views, observations, questions about everything in this world ....and that country they call Egypt.

13 April 2007

Should I Be A Moment With You?

So, since the last post, I decided I’m gonna try to end it with Ouba, my gf that I don’t love. I had just been waiting to meet her as I don’t like such serious talks to take place on the phone or anything other than in person. Two ways of doing that (ending it) occurred to me. The first, is to tell her that we are very different. That there is a vast gap in understanding between us, like I explained in my last post. The second, is to tell her that I don’t know if I’m ready, or even willing, to get married or committed to anyone at all at this time, or ever. The latter is true by the way.

Now I thought that both of these ways will do the job. I felt that the second would be easier to take than the first. She might be a little hurt if she hears the first one. So I went ahead with my plan and we went out to a nice cozy place.

Before bringing up the intended subject I decided to tell her about my atheism. I have been sending her hints of it but have postponed saying it flat out till we get to know each better. This is how wide the gap is between me and her: She has almost never heard of atheism before! I can’t begin to describe to you how shocked she was hearing about what exactly it is. Her shock was as about the existence of this idea as it was about me subscribing to it. I don’t require my gf to be an atheist, actually I prefer not, but at least know what it’s about and understand where I’m coming from!!!

Anyways, so after talking about atheism and discussing it briefly, I moved on to the subject of me and her. It went on something like this.

MC:
Ouba, I brought you here so we can talk about two fairly important topics like I said. That was the first. The second is about me and you.
Ouba: Okay.
MC: I’m gonna start by asking you. Do you think this relationship is something that might at some point develop into a marriage?

She struggled a bit with this question as she didn’t know which way I was leaning towards. As she did, I realized that the question is not fair and that she might be cornered, so I interrupted.

MC: Well, it’s not really fair asking you this. Let me answer and then you can comment on what I say.
Oubay: Alright.
MC: At this point in my life, I am not looking for a commitment at all. In fact, I am not sure if I will ever get married or not. So this is how I’m going into this relationship. I want us to be clear from the start so neither of us gets hurt.
Ouba: Me neither. I am not looking for a commitment to. Friendship (gf/bf) is better for me now. I’m ok with that.
MC: Great!

That was not exactly the scenario I had in mind. She’s ok with it! We’re still together! Now a lot of guys might envy being with a pretty girl that is not looking for a commitment. I don’t know why I’m not feeling that! There is a part of me that feels guilty. What am I doing with her? I don’t love her, and I don’t see it happening in the future. We are very different and it’s taking me a lot of effort each time I try to convey my ideas to her. They don’t click in her head like they do with others. I need your thoughts please…

6 Comments:

Anonymous NileGirl said...

MC, let me try to break this down a bit. There are a couple scenarios that this could mean:

1. Very few girls actually, deep down inside, MEAN it when they say they're not looking for commitment. A lot of them say it to keep what they have with you going and they hope they can convince themselves that they’re ok with no commitment. Or they hope that you’ll eventually change your mind. Unless she really just wants to have a little fun in her life OR she just got out of a bad relationship, then she really doesn't mean it deep down inside. And she could go on believing she means it for quite a while until one day she realizes she’s gotten attached and you haven’t and then she decides to pull the, “I need a commitment now” card.

2. She could really, really mean it. If this is the case, then I think you feel guilty because you have a strong conscience and you sincerely care about people and you don’t want to see her hurt down the line, even if you did give her ample warning and she whole heartedly chose the path more painful. You still don’t want to be the cause of the pain. Most guys don't think that way. They would go with, "you made your bed, now sleep in it". Meaning, she chose the path on her own.

3. She really means it and isn’t as attached as you think she is. Maybe she’s in it for the ride. Maybe she just wants a quick boy friend to have some fun with has no long term plans with you and so in her eyes, the path won’t be so painful for her when it ends. This is obviously the most ideal situation.

Now, this is an interesting dilemma because you can either break it off altogether or keep at it. I doubt you want to break it off because you’re both obviously enjoying yourselves. So that means you have the option of sticking with it. My advice to you is the latter. Enjoy yourself. Let her enjoy herself. Just make sure that anytime you feel like she’s growing too attached or taking steps closer that you remind her you’re not looking for a serious relationship. Keep reminding her so she doesn’t forget; because people will forget. And if you notice that there are times where she’s acting like the type of girlfriend with expectations, then take the time to readjust her expectations or end it at that point. It’s very hard to judge the situation without knowing both parties involved. But at least here’s the info, take it and do what you wish with it. :)

12:26 AM

 
Blogger shlemazl said...

Coward :)

I know just how you feel...

6:12 AM

 
Blogger Leo said...

Without knowing much about you besides the last two posts, my opinion may not carry as much weight but here goes:

If it has only been a week then I think your thoughts are moving quicker than normal in this situation.

Continue to be open and honest with her about what you think and feel and believe and enjoy. If you are really so different then she will recognise it and more importantly, it won't come as a big shock to her thereby lessening the chance of her being badly hurt.

You don't love her, I would be surprised if you do after a week. Again, slow your thoughts down.

If she really sees something in you that is worth pursuing, especially if you continue to be open about who you are, then you may find that your interests will slowly and over time become her interests as well and possibly vice versa although maybe not the fashion thing.

Love at first sight does happen but it is very rare. Love built up on a history of friendship and trust is more common.

Hope that helps.

3:06 AM

 
Anonymous embee said...

Hmmm.. I have a question.. You're saying that what's nudging at the periphery of your thoughts is that you (MC & Ouba) think very differently. But then again, you say you're not ready for commitment / serious relationship. My question is: Would you be more inclined to embrace the thought of a serious relationship/commitment if you guys thought somehow similarly? Would that make any difference to you?

1:28 AM

 
Blogger MechanicalCrowds said...

nilegirl,

Very nice analysis. I am pretty sure she falls in either the 2nd or 3rd category. FYI she did recently come out of a bad experience. The problem is I am unable to enjoy myself as I know that we are so different, yet I can't seem to muster enough guts to end it.

shlemazl,

aren't you married with kids? I hope you don't feel the same now!! :)

Leo,

Thanks for your input. In this case I know that a history of friendship will not make me love her... I just know it. The reason why I'm thinking ahead like that is that I don't want the guilt of being with a girl that I don't care about for a few months haunt me later on.

embee,

That is a very very very good question!! The short answer is yes. The long answer is this: if I do find a girl where there's a lot of 'clicking' going on between me and her, I think I'll be seriously considering marriage. That makes you wonder if my 'not looking for a commitment' speech is really true, doesn't it?

2:49 AM

 
Anonymous embee said...

I guess sometimes it helps to dissect an impression or thought or whatever, because if the building blocks are considered separately, the outcome will differ more often than not. And take it from a chick - she's bluffing about not wanting a relationship. Not that chicks don't do commitment-less relationships, but from what you've written, I'm inclined to agree with Nilegirl.

3:48 AM

 

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