So yesterday I had another conversation with my "friend". It was huge... You know, we put everything on the table... Put all the cards on there... EVERYTHING... the misunderstandings, the guesswork, the feelings, the reservations... But I showed my cards first so I felt naked and vulnerable. Fortunately she wasn't very cruel. She didn't break my heart, I broke it myself. I had certain expectations but she was realistic... honest. This song played:
My heart is so broken,
Here I go
Trying to run ahead of that,
Heart break train,
It will never catch up with me.
I'm trying to land,
This aeroplane of ours gracefully,
But it seems just destined to crash,
It's decision time for me... After we laid everything on the table... expressed the little intricate thoughts that we had... it was suddenly time for me to make a decision. I said I need time to think... there was just too much to absorb in one night. Of course I did not sleep. My fragile mind could not handle it and I kept hallucinating in my sleep.
So in the next coming weeks I will think about every single word she said. I will think about what I said. Did I say too much? Did I leave something out? No idea. We are so helpless in this world. It's a life choice... You know there are only a few you gotta make in your life and I think this is one.
I always ask myself how can we be so delicate? How can something like this occupy me so much. I know I will be unable to function as a human being until I make a decision. Maybe I should consult someone close to me. But will they ever understand? Can I communicate what's in my head?