My views, observations, questions about everything in this world ....and that country they call Egypt.

08 June 2006

So Broken

So yesterday I had another conversation with my "friend". It was huge... You know, we put everything on the table... Put all the cards on there... EVERYTHING... the misunderstandings, the guesswork, the feelings, the reservations... But I showed my cards first so I felt naked and vulnerable. Fortunately she wasn't very cruel. She didn't break my heart, I broke it myself. I had certain expectations but she was realistic... honest. This song played:

So broken,
In pieces,
My heart is so broken,
I'm puzzling.

Here I go
Trying to run ahead of that,
Heart break train,
Thinking,
It will never catch up with me.

I'm trying to land,
This aeroplane of ours gracefully,
But it seems just destined to crash,

It's decision time for me... After we laid everything on the table... expressed the little intricate thoughts that we had... it was suddenly time for me to make a decision. I said I need time to think... there was just too much to absorb in one night. Of course I did not sleep. My fragile mind could not handle it and I kept hallucinating in my sleep.

So in the next coming weeks I will think about every single word she said. I will think about what I said. Did I say too much? Did I leave something out? No idea. We are so helpless in this world. It's a life choice... You know there are only a few you gotta make in your life and I think this is one.

I always ask myself how can we be so delicate? How can something like this occupy me so much. I know I will be unable to function as a human being until I make a decision. Maybe I should consult someone close to me. But will they ever understand? Can I communicate what's in my head?

5 Comments:

Blogger shlemazl said...

Hey, my friend; cheer up!

She did you a favour by being honest. Sometimes women find it easier to say "yes" only to brake your heart later.

This will hurt for a bit, but heal soon and you will be able to move on.

4:58 AM

 
Blogger MechanicalCrowds said...

Thankjew... :)
I agree, but the thing is she didn't say "no" either.

7:29 AM

 
Blogger Pinky & the Brain said...

Dude! One would only get burnt by a sharp spark of the blaze of dolefulness you’re feeling in your heart just by looking at the picture you chose for your blog! It is amazing how it just says it all!

I am really sorry for this wounded little heart of yours! Bas it all passes. Really! Easy, take heart and pull yourself together buddy, don’t let this get into you, we are way stronger to be brought down by just an unfortunate attempt to win a loved one for life. :)

I don’t know you, but it’s crystal clear to me that you’re in deep pain because what you felt was deeply sincere, pure and beautiful, and it says a lot about the man you are. Isn’t this something you’ve learned about yourself, you’re sincere, pure and just beautiful! :)

If you should need stuff to read about getting over this then I think I could help, if you are interested. Post your email on my blog and I will send you helpful stuff if you wish. :)

It’s okay, el 7ayah 7elwa! :)

2:02 PM

 
Blogger Ayyam said...

I think what you have right now is not love my man! This is what we call in Egypt gholb " ُغلب"
May be she is just possessive and/or playing games with you. If you can be cool and forget to call or be with her for a while may be she will understand. Problem is you! You are always there waiting for her, I presume. Some people (men or women) don't realize what they have till they miss it once and for all.
Or may be she is really honest and doesn’t see you as a lover. She wouldn't say that in words because she is worried about you. Again this is sympathy and not love my man, she just trying to make it easier on you!
Either way, if I were you, I would just forget about her because this is not a healthy relationship from the start. Love is not just a word! And there is nothing you can do to convince her if you keep going like that.
I know it is hard for you to forget but move on and win yourself ..Just rise above all these sadness and may be go to the Gym or do something social (drink a beer or two not more..just kidding) when you are done I think you will see that you really did yourself a wonderful favor.
I hope I wasn't too blunt on you and sorry if I made feel worse in any way..
Take good care…

6:32 PM

 
Blogger Maat said...

i don't know man. i've been through something like that, i decided to get over it....i didnt speak about how i felt though, it's all bottled up.

i almost hated myself for unconciously having hope that maybe he'll wake up one day changing his mind and saying "let's try to make this work". the worst feeling though was fear, the fear of losing him forever as a friend just because i developed some feelings that are apparently one-sided. i figured a way to fix it, and everything is cool now, so my guess is everything will be cool with you too, just give it some time.

give ur mind some rest too...it must be killing you.

1:06 AM

 

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